My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
