Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
