You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
