i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
