So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
