I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
