nut hugger
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
