Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
