I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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