I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I touched a dick in church today
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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