you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I currently don't understand fingers.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
