1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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