does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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