So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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