I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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