don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
