I just gift wrapped bread.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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