How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
