1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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