hotel room ftw
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The air was thick with penises
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
