Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
