You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
