When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
