i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
