I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
