i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
