I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
