If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
her facebook's as public as her vagina
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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