only you would photoshop your dick
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
