I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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