I just pynch a tree in the face
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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