so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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