They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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