true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
