my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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