don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
