I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
