cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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