yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
