i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
