My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
