I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
