Apparently you make a good broom.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
