apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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