based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
