eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
