you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
