The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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