So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
