i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
