so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
