It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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