Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
